Existence
by Tifa-Carbuncle
Summary: A KOTOR fic. A short, one-shot fic, based on what I though was going through my character's mind in the days after she realized she was Darth Revan, and how she dealt with the realization that the person she thought she was never really existed.


Existence

"How do you prove you exist?" Vivi, FFIX

Author's Note: First of all, this is a short, one shot thing. I'm not doing a sequel, nor any elaboration. I find it to be superfluous seeing as how The Sith Lords is coming out in eight months if all goes as scheduled. Second of all, I have never in my life written a Star Wars fanfic, but I've read over fifty of the Extended Universe books, watched every movie, read every character guide, so I know what I'm talking about. And the whole basic idea came from one thought. How would I react to the news that my identity was nothing more than a creation? In games like KOTOR and Morrowind where you are free to choose your path, the responses your character makes, you are bonded that much more closely to your character because in many ways, your character is reacting exactly as you would in that situation, because you are controlling them, and answering as you would. Basically, the character is your alter ego, your doppelganger. For me, when I play games like these, I displace my consciousness into the character, more or less becoming them, and when Aria, my character on KOTOR, was graced with the news that she was once Darth Revan, I took a moment to think. Those thoughts led to this short little fic. It's dark and angsty at points, because that's my writing style. I don't do happy things. If you came looking for lighthearted material, you don't know me..and you're in the wrong place. So now, on to the fic.

Kashyyyk was a pulsating roar in the Force, the sounds of innumerable species as they went about their instinctive activities in the mammoth world-wide growth of the worshyr forest blending with the clamor of the sentient races that called the world home to create a harmony that was Kashyyyk's signature in the all-pervading energy of the Force. But in the harmony sounded a deep, quiet, yet poignant undertone of distress. The distress of the native race, the Wookiees, as they struggled under the Czerka Corporation's slave trade, thanks in large part to their chieftain, who had sold out his own kind to feed his greed. Anyone even moderately sensitive to the Force could feel the pain that pervaded the very aura of the world, but for one Jedi, it was mere white noise to the never-ending litany of thoughts that tortured her mind.

Her name was Aria Starfall, a twenty-four year old who came late to the Force, discovered by chance by the Order's prize pupil, Bastila. Or so she had believed until recently. Only two days ago they had escaped from Sith imprisonment aboard the Dreadnaught Leviathan, where the Sith Lord Darth Malak had confronted her with the knowledge that she had once been Revan, Dark Lord of the Sith.  At first she couldn't believe him, but Bastila had confirmed it. The Jedi had indeed come to capture her when Malak had decided to seize his chance and fire on her flagship, nearly killing her and destroying her mind in the process. Bastila had been the leader of the Jedi strike force, and somehow managed to preserve Revan's life, but the Jedi Council had decided not to restore her mind as Revan, but instead as Aria, in hopes of using her subconscious memories of the Star Maps to aid the Republic's war against Malak. To say she felt betrayed would be an understatement. Not only that, but now those she counted her closest friends no longer completely trusted her, aside from Canderous, who had great respect for Revan as the only commander to ever defeat his people, the droids HK-47, who had been created by her own hands when she was Revan, and T3-M4, a state-of-the-art astromech droid, and Zalbaar, a Wookiee she had saved from slavery, who had in turn sworn a life-debt to her. 

While Mission still seemed to stand by her as a friend, through the Force her edginess came through as clear as a beacon. The news was a little much for her young Twi'lek mind to wrap itself around, and Aria didn't fault her. Juhani had an inherent fear of the Dark Side, due to her close call with it not too long ago, and as such, her faith in Aria as a shining beacon of light seemed to have been shaken. Jolee surprisingly didn't seem to care much one way or the other. Due to his past, and scars he was reticent to talk about, he detested both extremes of light and dark. As far as he was concerned, she wasn't Revan anymore, and as long as it stayed that way, he didn't care.

Carth was entirely another matter altogether. He'd said to her face that he wasn't sure he could trust her anymore, going so far as to suggest she might even be a spy for the Sith. On one level, she couldn't really blame him. The Sith had bombed his homeworld, killed his wife and taken his son to Korriban to join the ranks of the Dark Jedi. And yet on another level, his distrust was lodged like a vibroknife in her gut. Throughout their mission to find the Star Maps, she had slowly coaxed him from within his walls, getting him to talk about the tragedies the Sith had inflicted on him for the first time. It was through this that they had grown closer, to the point where she believed she was beginning to love him. Now he would barely speak to her, unless it was about something vital to the mission, and even that was in short, razor-edged sentences. The entire group could feel the tension between them, often giving them both wary glances whenever they witnessed the terse conversations that had passed between them.

Aria shook her head to clear the thoughts, opening her eyes on the world around her. She sat perched on the very edge of the platform that served as the Ebon Hawk's docking bay, the long handle of her double-bladed purple lightsaber suspended in air by her powers. It spun slowly, the exercise helping her to focus her mind as she dwelt on her dark thoughts. She had been betrayed by her order, used by Bastila, who she'd considered a friend, and had lost the trust of the friends closest to her. Her hands clenched slowly in her lap, the only outward sign of the anger flaring within. She had striven for so long to adhere to the path of the light, never giving in to her anger and hatred, but now she found herself fighting a losing battle. She knew she had a mission, and now that Bastila had been captured, she was probably the only other one who could find the remaining Star Map to stop the Sith, but within she was beginning submit to hopelessness. What reason was there for her to continue when she would be left standing alone at the end? And what would even that matter when she had no idea who she truly was? She had been born Revan, but now she was a different person entirely. Sensing the approach of a familiar presence, she let the saber handle drop into her open hands and waited for them to speak.

"Aria, you've been out here for hours."

She merely nodded , staring intently at the handle of her lightsaber, "I know, Carth…"

She could sense him shift uneasily, clearly searching for words.

 "Are you alright?"

Aria couldn't help but smile cynically to herself. _Of course I'm not…but what do you care…? _She quickly quashed the flash of anger, unwilling to take out her frustration on him, even if part of it were his fault. Instead she reached out with the Force again, raising the handle of her lightsaber into the air once more.

There was a quiet rustle of cloth as he sat down beside her, his eyes watching the slow spin of her saber. An awkward silence stretched between them, with Aria afraid to speak lest she give voice to the angry thoughts swirling in her mind, and Carth still uncomfortable with who she had been. Aria's hands clenched again for a moment, but this time it was due to a sting of pain from remembering the pain Carth had been though due to her decisions over two years ago. And finally, she began to understand just how much of it was indeed her fault as he had said. Letting the saber fall to her hands yet again, she finally turned to him, her eyes clouded.

            "I'm sorry…"

            His brow drew together in confusion, "For what?"

            She shook her head, turning her gaze to the massive canopy of  trees miles above, "Everything. Everything that happened to you…to the galaxy, it's my fault. My decisions led to this path, even if I don't remember them. I lead Malak to the Dark Side, I coaxed him away from the light…or so they say. If I hadn't been so focused on power, on defeating the Mandalorians…you were right. It was my fault…you have every right to hate me." She was surprised by how hard it was to speak those last few words.

            Carth sighed, looking like a man who had been completely defeated, "No…I hate Revan, I don't hate you."

            A wry laugh escaped her lips, "How do you know who I am, when even I don't know anymore?"

            He fixed his gaze on hers, as if striving to understand the internal battle he could feel raging within her, "What do you mean?"

            "I've been thinking about…about being Revan…and I realized something. I can't…figure out who I am. I was born Revan. Genetically, I _am_ the Dark Lord of the Sith, but mentally, I'm Aria. So which one am I? Revan mentally no longer exists. Her memories, her experiences are irretrievably gone, but Aria…the things she remembers never happened. She _never truly existed._ So…who am I…If I'm Revan, I'm dead…if I'm Aria, I…I don't exist."

            Carth turned from her for a moment, staring off at the forest as the deepening shadows of evening slid across them like satin. She could sense a conflict within him as he grasped for an answer, and felt the flash of insight as one presented itself to him.

            "Our memories shape us, right? Our families, the home we lived in…what we felt growing up. It all affects us. We can't remember it all, and what we do remember isn't always quite as it was, but it's the perception of those events that makes us who we are, in a large part. So even if Aria's past isn't real…even if her parents never existed, her home never was, those memories shaped you into who you are now, and the things you have experienced since are real.  Though that…whether or not she existed before, she does now. You were right about one thing, Revan is dead. But you're not Revan. You're Aria. The change in you can't be explained by simple memory loss, it's more fundamental than that, everyone can see that. You'll probably never remember your true past, but does it really matter in the end when what you have now is better? Sure..we all want to know where we came from, but…not at the expense of wasting out lives away looking for it. Would you really want to reclaim those memories anyway?"

            Aria tilted her head slightly, staring at him with a look akin to awe. He'd made the answer sound so easy, when the whole time it had eluded her grasp, "..I…I guess you're right. Revan…is a force best left dead. If I ever want to know, there are plenty of people who can tell me about her past, and who she was before she fell. Maybe then I can reclaim my real past and try to make myself into the woman I should have been. Without the Darkness.  Aria..I…I'm what Revan should have been. Maybe one day I'll find it…or maybe I never will, but you're right. Aria is real…everything I've felt is real…the people I've met…those I've grown close to. Thank you…"

            A faint smile crossed his lips, the first she had seen in a very long time, "I'm the one who should be thanking you. You forced me to think about it, and now I realize I owe you an apology for the way I've been acting. Blaming you…saying we couldn't trust you. I was wrong…"

            Aria returned his smile, her slightly cocky edge returning, and a trait that she felt certain was one that Revan had possessed as well, "I forgive you. Now come, we need to get back. Tomorrow we have to search for the Star Map."    

Another Author's Note: …So basically yeah..that's my take on what was going through my character's mind. The game doesn't make a really big deal of this, in actuality, it seems to breeze over most of it, and that is probably because to fully address the issue, it'd take much longer. So it's up to the player to address it for themselves I suppose, and I have. And now, for a special message from my brand new baby kitty: goes outside, brings the kitty in the house and plops it on the keyboard:

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